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Diva with Depression

The pain of depression without the filter.

What TF Am I Supposed To Do Now?!

The past few months, the doctors and therapists have been worried about me. They keep talking about this empty nest thing. What?! My sister tells everyone that the day I gave birth to my first child, my past life ended.... Continue Reading →

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THE LAST RESORT-RESORT DAY 1

They had been trying to get me back here for two weeks now, but I kept fighting it. But yesterday, when I had the overwhelming desire to beat the shit out of two grown men, I knew I was in... Continue Reading →

THE LAST RESORT-RESORT

For the second time in several months, I checked myself into a mental facility. This last visit truly was one of my last attempts at taming the monster that has taken over my mind. Hence, the name-The Last Resort. When... Continue Reading →

I’m 800 pounds overweight!!!

Diva with Depression

12778933_10206546601557062_8279245351152069429_oI am a woman with some extra weight. Lots of extra weight.
I know your first thought is, go on a diet. I carry the kind of weight that doesn’t show up on the scale. But how do you put your head on a diet?

My extra weight is mental. I’m mentally obese. I carry so much “baggage”, that I can’t even stand up straight. I can’t move freely. I can’t breathe properly.
There’s 100 pounds of guilt. 100 pounds of pain. 100 pounds of shame. 100 pounds of self hate. 100 pounds of secrets. And the rest is just the “monster”.
I’ve been to many doctors. The heart Dr said lose weight. The internist said lose weight. Even the weight loss surgeon said lose weight! But none of them recognized the “invisible pounds”.

Where’s the “diet pill” for mental obesity? Where’s the gym for mentally obese folks like myself?…

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Sickness Du Jour… 

Diva with Depression

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Guess what? Did you know that depression is real? Did you know that mental illness doesn’t know tax brackets or race? *insertsideeye*

Demi Lovato. Prince Harry. Lady Gaga. Gwyneth Paltrow. The list is much longer.

Let me start by saying that my heart goes out to ANYONE struggling with a mental illness. It can be unbearable. It is an experience that is almost indescribable.

I just don’t want mental health to get caught up, and lost, in the headlines.

I’m a minority. I’m one of the lower class folks that can’t afford the top of the line healthcare. When I started my search for psychiatric care in New Jersey, I was mortified. No we don’t take insurance. Yes, you have to pay a huge copay. No we don’t help with drug coverage. And my favorite- your coverage only allows you to visit the clinic in west hell, that only has…

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Waking up alive…..

Diva with Depression

I woke up. And I was alive.

Most people feel joy. Most people will probably judge my thoughts and feelings. Sorry. I’m not most people.

I’ve heard the “list” – You have lots to live for. Suicide isn’t the answer. You have to keep fighting. Think of what you will leave behind. Pray. Give it to God.

Truth is, I’m new to these thoughts. I’ve always just wanted to, maybe, just not be here anymore. I was “passively suicidal”, is what the doctor said.

Now I’m “actively” or “dangerously” suicidal. And it’s some scary shit.

This wave of emotions….

There’s no explanation. No rhyme or reason. No intellectual processing.

Just pure, raw, unfiltered pain.

And no amount of medication, therapy, prayer, coffee, or discussion is enough right now.

I don’t want judgement. I don’t want pity. I don’t want patronizing concern.

I just want it to stop….

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Happy Mother’s Day

Waking up alive…..

I woke up. And I was alive. Most people feel joy. Most people will probably judge my thoughts and feelings. Sorry. I'm not most people. I've heard the "list" - You have lots to live for. Suicide isn't the answer.... Continue Reading →

THE THRILL IS GONE.

FOUR SIMPLE WORDS. THE NAME OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS BY THE LEGEND, B.B. KING. https://youtu.be/oica5jG7FpU 2018 The thrill is gone. "I don't even want you no more. You're not worth it." 2008 The thrill is dead. "You don't... Continue Reading →

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