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Diva with Depression

The pain of depression without the filter.

PEACEFULLY SUICIDAL

AND STILL…..

Diva with Depression

Doc- “Are you suicidal?”

Me- “Depends on what you mean?”

Doc- “Have you tried to kill yourself?”

Me- “I’ve never tried. But I have thought of ways. And not a day goes by that I don’t think about how death would be a relief. An escape from the monster. A quieting of the voices. A long needed restful sleep. Finally, some damn peace.

Doc- ” Well at least you’re not suicidal.”

Scene 1- “Your friend slit her wrists. She’s in the hospital.”

Scene 2- “Your brother took a bottle of pills. The ambulance is here.”

Scene 3- “Your friend just killed himself.”

Scene 4- “Mom, I took alot of pills. I’m sick.”

These are all scenes from my life.

Do you know what the common denominator is? They were all trying to escape a traumatic period in their lives. Trying to quiet the voices. Trying to numb the pain.

People…

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I’m 800 pounds overweight!!!

Diva with Depression

12778933_10206546601557062_8279245351152069429_oI am a woman with some extra weight. Lots of extra weight.
I know your first thought is, go on a diet. I carry the kind of weight that doesn’t show up on the scale. But how do you put your head on a diet?

My extra weight is mental. I’m mentally obese. I carry so much “baggage”, that I can’t even stand up straight. I can’t move freely. I can’t breathe properly.
There’s 100 pounds of guilt. 100 pounds of pain. 100 pounds of shame. 100 pounds of self hate. 100 pounds of secrets. And the rest is just the “monster”.
I’ve been to many doctors. The heart Dr said lose weight. The internist said lose weight. Even the weight loss surgeon said lose weight! But none of them recognized the “invisible pounds”.

Where’s the “diet pill” for mental obesity? Where’s the gym for mentally obese folks like myself?…

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Sickness Du Jour… 

Diva with Depression

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Guess what? Did you know that depression is real? Did you know that mental illness doesn’t know tax brackets or race? *insertsideeye*

Demi Lovato. Prince Harry. Lady Gaga. Gwyneth Paltrow. The list is much longer.

Let me start by saying that my heart goes out to ANYONE struggling with a mental illness. It can be unbearable. It is an experience that is almost indescribable.

I just don’t want mental health to get caught up, and lost, in the headlines.

I’m a minority. I’m one of the lower class folks that can’t afford the top of the line healthcare. When I started my search for psychiatric care in New Jersey, I was mortified. No we don’t take insurance. Yes, you have to pay a huge copay. No we don’t help with drug coverage. And my favorite- your coverage only allows you to visit the clinic in west hell, that only has…

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Waking up alive…..

Diva with Depression

I woke up. And I was alive.

Most people feel joy. Most people will probably judge my thoughts and feelings. Sorry. I’m not most people.

I’ve heard the “list” – You have lots to live for. Suicide isn’t the answer. You have to keep fighting. Think of what you will leave behind. Pray. Give it to God.

Truth is, I’m new to these thoughts. I’ve always just wanted to, maybe, just not be here anymore. I was “passively suicidal”, is what the doctor said.

Now I’m “actively” or “dangerously” suicidal. And it’s some scary shit.

This wave of emotions….

There’s no explanation. No rhyme or reason. No intellectual processing.

Just pure, raw, unfiltered pain.

And no amount of medication, therapy, prayer, coffee, or discussion is enough right now.

I don’t want judgement. I don’t want pity. I don’t want patronizing concern.

I just want it to stop….

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Happy Mother’s Day

Waking up alive…..

I woke up. And I was alive. Most people feel joy. Most people will probably judge my thoughts and feelings. Sorry. I'm not most people. I've heard the "list" - You have lots to live for. Suicide isn't the answer.... Continue Reading →

THE THRILL IS GONE.

FOUR SIMPLE WORDS. THE NAME OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS BY THE LEGEND, B.B. KING. https://youtu.be/oica5jG7FpU 2018 The thrill is gone. "I don't even want you no more. You're not worth it." 2008 The thrill is dead. "You don't... Continue Reading →

Strong, Broken and Hollow

This is my cute, furry grandbaby, Louis. He's spoiled rotten and mischievous. Most days, besides my kids, Louis is my only companion. And lots of days, he's the only reason that I leave the house. (I tried to get him... Continue Reading →

You Ask Me Why…….

Stolen lands, Stolen fam. Chains and whips, Deadly ships. You ask me why I'm depressed. Crowded cells, Prison hell. Broken homes, A community alone. You ask me why I'm depressed. Whispers and sighs, Generational lies. Parental abuse, Sexual misuse. You... Continue Reading →

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